Friday, June 5, 2009

Silent World....

I have been busy pass few days... SCRAPBOOKING my new hobby. It's been really weird being in the SILENT WORLD pass few weeks. My biggest fear is not knowing if someone bugular is robbing the house. I am trying my best to stay positive. I wish I can get a hearing aid buy my insurance co stinks and I have to wait till October. I basically GIVE UP!!! Maybe its better for me to be in a silent world. Although I must admit its a really hard challenge, I never thought I have to face. You know my entire life I was so confused why I was in a weird classroom setting with people that where basically CHALLENGING kids. I realized now that im older. It wasnt the PROPER SETTING I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE IN. I was wondering why I was being pulled out most of the time. NOT LEARNING A DARN THING. So I see these amazing kids deaf/hard of hearing kids just HEARING the world with either aids or CI. Learning In School and It just amazes me the TECHNOLOGY out there. It kills me that I didnt get the proper schooling, education I needed in order to suceed. Yes I had so much therapy but I always was confused because I DIDNT KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME. My mother told me " SHE THOUGHT I KNEW". Truthfully I didnt. Now, As I sit here in a SILENT ATMOSPHERE its killing me. Maybe I am better off being deaf. I want to share something with you.

My little sister Toniann was taken by the ambulance the other day to the ER. She couldnt breathe. Shes 20 weeks pregnant. Hours later turns out she has GALLSTONES. My older sister and I went to the ER, but we couldnt go into the room because they just dont allow it. So There was a few people in the waiting room. This one woman Im assuming it was her sister who was in labor was talking to my sister. I was trying to figure out what was being said. I was confused. I hate asking " WHAT SHE SAY WHAT THEY SAY". I know it annoys everyone. I guess my point is I dont know how to properly ask for help when it comes to my HEARING LOSS. Now that Im DEAF. Its even harder. I remember back when I was severe-profound and when I was even moderate - severe, I was always struggling one on one with a person, trying to put my aid on the highest volume knowing that it makes it louder but I couldnt really make anything out. I dont know how to properly adjust. I am glad that I know ASL. I think Im going to be using it alot more and I hope that my family will learn now. Its time. I think its time for a new adjustment and more support. I may not show that I am struggling but I am. I wanna be able to hear. Sometimes I dont wanna hear because of my TINNITUS... Its been so bad the tinnitus worst than ever. Theres nothing anyone can do for me. Ontop of all this I have a seziure condition and god knows when I will ever get better. For now, im just keeping busy with scrapbooking, taking pictures with my new camera and reading.

My sister and I went to Fridays today for dinner. She asked me if I could hear this song. I said NO. I started to get a little choked up and laughed instead ( thats what I do when im nervous) lol. Well I couldnt hear it. She asked me a question..." Can you hear this song? NO I cant I told her.

" You know how come hearing impaired people talk different than you... Why arent you talking that way if you cant HEAR". I didnt know what to say. Because I WAS NEVER asked that question before. Im glad she asked me this kind of question because truthfully we never spoke about my hearing loss together. So I told her every hearing impaired person is different. Im assuming because I had so much therapy from BOCES and SPEECH that is why I talk 100% fine like a HEARING Person. Its the truth if you heard my voice you would think nothing of me having a hearing loss. Thats been a fact since forever. So anyway, I think thats why. I dont know its a new life for me. I have no idea how to answer this question. I am just one confused person. Music- was part of my life as much as I heard MUMBLE all the time. I usually looked up the lyrics and just listened to the beat. My favorite band is Lifehouse. This summer they are coming out with a new album. Its killing me that I wont be able to hear it. Unless, some miracle happens.

So its 12am here Im going to sleep. Thanks for letting me vent.




Frieda said...

Dani, I'm happy that you have a new hobby! It is always great to learn something new, huh? Is there a community ASL class that your sweetie and family members can go to learn ASL? That would be so much fun to go to a class with someone you know!

Danielle said...

Yes, there are ASL classes by me the thing is everyones work schedule. I can teach them without a problem because I completed all my classes.

jelly said...

I am a scrapbooker!
I love it...and it is so great you picked up a new hobby.